Are You Justifying Your Being Single?
Sometimes I meet people and I think they’re great. Then when they tell me they’re single – I’m actually a little bit shocked. I made up a name for it – “ridiculously single” – it’s ridiculous that they’re single.
Smart, secure, family-oriented, financially aware, with their own passions. It doesn’t make sense that these women are not in a fulfilling relationship. What’s going on with women like this? Are they justifying being single?
AVOIDING NEGATIVE EXPERIENCES
Fundamentally, fear is always going to be there: of rejection, of making a mistake, wasting time, getting hurt, letting people down (family, the other person…)
Being single is the easiest way of protecting oneself from these negative experiences. Make no mistake – they’re painful. Therefore, staying single keeps you safe.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling this way – it’s human. We’re human.
When I asked a girl out on a date, and she said no – it hurt. When it happened again – I shrugged my shoulders and carried on. After the third time – and when I was told (yet again) “You’re really nice, but we can only be friends” I resigned myself to life in the so-called “friendzone”.
Resigning myself to my fate; expecting that things would go a certain way – it became the new normal. Actually, it just became normal. This level of resignation kept my situation the same, and prevented any action; this was how life was.
Does this sound familiar?
HATING THE GAME
I also developed an “enlightened” answer to being single. I was above the game. I wasn’t going to chase anyone. I “needed to be in a good place before I could ask anyone out”. I had to work on myself. The real problems were all the “players”. I used to complain to myself that women said they wanted to meet a nice guy, but when it came down to it, they preferred “bad boys”.
It was nothing to do with me, and there was nothing I could do about it – the game was rigged and the odds stacked against the nice men.
Ultimately, deep down, I’d given up.
ADMITTING THE TRUTH
These three ideas are probably just a flavour. There are lots of other reasons I’m sure. The really interesting and subtle part of being “ridiculously single” is telling oneself and others “I’m genuinely ok and happy being single” when actually it’s covering up how you really feel. I used to pretend to be fine to hide the fact I was desperate. What I was pretending became the truth – and of course, everyone around me could pick up on the fact I wanted to be with someone.
Admitting the truth about why you might be “ridiculously single” is the most difficult part. Actually being willing to stick your neck out and say “I’d like to create a wonderful relationship” is the first step. This is incredibly courageous because the first thing that shows up when you share what you want – is everything that’s NOT that. Being real is the first step to moving forward.
- Write down what you think is stopping you from being in a relationship. Be brutally honest – what do you find hard to admit to yourself?
- Consider that you’d rather be single than in a relationship. Ask yourself – what are you really committed to? Does your behaviour match your words?
- Pick a friend you trust. Talk through your ideas.
Let us know what you come up with in the comments!
This guest post is from James D’Souza – coach and founder of findaniceman.com. As a trained coach and happily married man, he’s committed to giving the women he coaches the tools to create great relationships. His approach focuses on discovering your unique talents to attract a quality man. He’s also one of the coaches supporting Grandeur and Love as part of our authentic and personalised matchmaking service.