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Ridiculously Single

Are You Justifying Your Being Single?

Sometimes I meet people and I think they’re great. Then when they tell me they’re single – I’m actually a little bit shocked. I made up a name for it – “ridiculously single” – it’s ridiculous that they’re single.

Smart, secure, family-oriented, financially aware, with their own passions. It doesn’t make sense that these women are not in a fulfilling relationship. What’s going on with women like this? Are they justifying being single?

AVOIDING NEGATIVE EXPERIENCES

Fundamentally, fear is always going to be there: of rejection, of making a mistake, wasting time, getting hurt, letting people down (family, the other person…)

Being single is the easiest way of protecting oneself from these negative experiences. Make no mistake – they’re painful. Therefore, staying single keeps you safe.

There’s nothing wrong with feeling this way – it’s human. We’re human.

RESIGNATION

When I asked a girl out on a date, and she said no – it hurt. When it happened again – I shrugged my shoulders and carried on. After the third time – and when I was told (yet again) “You’re really nice, but we can only be friends” I resigned myself to life in the so-called “friendzone”.

Resigning myself to my fate; expecting that things would go a certain way – it became the new normal. Actually, it just became normal. This level of resignation kept my situation the same, and prevented any action; this was how life was.

Does this sound familiar?

HATING THE GAME

I also developed an “enlightened” answer to being single. I was above the game. I wasn’t going to chase anyone. I “needed to be in a good place before I could ask anyone out”. I had to work on myself. The real problems were all the “players”. I used to complain to myself that women said they wanted to meet a nice guy, but when it came down to it, they preferred “bad boys”.

It was nothing to do with me, and there was nothing I could do about it – the game was rigged and the odds stacked against the nice men.

Ultimately, deep down, I’d given up.

ADMITTING THE TRUTH

These three ideas are probably just a flavour. There are lots of other reasons I’m sure. The really interesting and subtle part of being “ridiculously single” is telling oneself and others “I’m genuinely ok and happy being single” when actually it’s covering up how you really feel. I used to pretend to be fine to hide the fact I was desperate. What I was pretending became the truth – and of course, everyone around me could pick up on the fact I wanted to be with someone.

Admitting the truth about why you might be “ridiculously single” is the most difficult part. Actually being willing to stick your neck out and say “I’d like to create a wonderful relationship” is the first step. This is incredibly courageous because the first thing that shows up when you share what you want – is everything that’s NOT that. Being real is the first step to moving forward.

SUGGESTED ACTIONS:

  • Write down what you think is stopping you from being in a relationship. Be brutally honest – what do you find hard to admit to yourself?
  • Consider that you’d rather be single than in a relationship. Ask yourself – what are you really committed to? Does your behaviour match your words?
  • Pick a friend you trust. Talk through your ideas.

Let us know what you come up with in the comments!

This guest post is from James D’Souza – coach and founder of findaniceman.com. As a trained coach and happily married man, he’s committed to giving the women he coaches the tools to create great relationships. His approach focuses on discovering your unique talents to attract a quality man. He’s also one of the coaches supporting Grandeur and Love as part of our authentic and personalised matchmaking service.

 

Men: How to Get That Second Date

Men… Let’s talk about you!

(Women, before you disappear, it’s worth a read to gain some insight into how men work. Trust us.)

Did you know studies have shown that men only use around 3000 words per day, with women using a range of 7000-20,000 words per day?!

Now before you jump back and worry that I’m going to make you use a 1000 of those words right now, think about this… If women use around up to 20,000 words per day, conversation must be an important aspect for them right?

On a first date, it’s important to build on connection vocally. Ask her about what she likes to do in her spare time and what her job is like. Women work on rapport so they want to know you’re interested in more than just the ‘facts’ of life.

(Women: This let us know that when a man is sitting there quietly, it really isn’t a reflection of you… He just really likes keeping the words to 3000!)

Top Tip: We recommend coffee dates for those first meetings. You can focus on getting to know each other without the nerve-wracking idea of having to worry about whether you have food in your teeth or on your shirt!

Did you know 52% of women rated personality as the most important factor when choosing a romantic partner, along with 53% of men? Something both men and women can agree on is personality is key.

Although looking good is important, focusing on how showing the best aspects of your personality is vital. We know it’s easier to talk about the facts of what you do but how about letting her know what you like to do when you’re not working or what your favourite film is?

Top Tip: Women want to know about what you’re like, not what you do. Show off the best sides of your personality and leave the business talk at work.

Studies have found that women take up to 3 minutes to make a judgement compared to men who take up to 5 minutes.

A later study concluded that physical attraction, along with positive social behaviours, determine whether someone would have a relationship with you.

Those first few minutes are essential. Yes, some of those minute will be based on a physical aspect (attraction is still important, be sure to look your best without trying to hard!). However, some of these moments will be based on your social interactions on the day.

Top Tip: One of the first things women pay attention to is how you talk to the waiter or the people around you so make sure your manners are present! Be sure to keep appropriate eye contact and get on your best smile!

(Women this goes for you too, so be sure to have your best smile ready!)

Try it out and let us know how that second date goes!