Posts

Rejection: A Female Perspective

“We cannot change the actions of others, but we can change how we let it affect us”

In the last post we talked about how rejection affects us all and how, sometimes, the rejection we experience may not be personal but instead an outcome of what someone else is going through. In order to help us understand the difference, we suggested splitting an experience into 2 lists to distinguish what really happened – and what we felt happened. This enables us to separate feelings from fact; ultimately, allowing us to realise these experiences had nothing to do with us at all.

This month we decided to ask a few people* about their stories of rejection  and the decisions they made from the experience. This is to illustrate to our readers that  everyone experiences what is perceived as rejection and how we let it affect us.

 

Anna | 36 | London

I was in a relationship with this guy for about 4 years. We got along really well in the beginning and I knew that he liked me. However, his work (he was a doctor) meant that he had a hectic lifestyle and looking back, I don’t think he had time for a proper relationship. Due to his work schedule, and the fact he lived quite a distance away from me, I was always having to plan my life around his and I felt I was the one making all the effort.

What did you decide? I felt that I was second best to his work, family and social life and that his lack of effort was a reflection on me. He preferred the situation the way it was because it was best for him. Since that relationship I’ve found that I don’t make enough effort with guys and I get put off really easily. I’m so adamant that I won’t get myself in a situation like that again so I won’t entertain someone who doesn’t seem like they have enough time for me.

Jess | 24 | London

I dated someone last year, who on paper was my perfect guy. He ticked all my boxes and it seemed that it would work well with my family…he was basically my ideal guy. However, as we got to know each other and went on more dates I found that he would take longer and longer to reply to my messages and he would keep coming up with excuses about why he’s been so distance. It went round in a circle a few times before I eventually stepped away from that relationship.

What did you decide? I decided that, if the next person I date, isn’t consistent with his communication then I won’t put up with it. I felt that his lack of attention was personal to me as he always seemed to be on his phone. It made me feel insecure, so I decided that I’m going to set my rules and hope to not experience something like that again!

  

Bhavini | 28 | London

I met a guy online and we were dating for a few months but then out of the blue he said he couldn’t date me anymore because he had too much going on (but I think this was just an excuse because he had been acting distant before then). I didn’t hear from him soon after that.

What did you decide? At the time I felt used and annoyed at him and the situation, so I decided that I would be more laid back about meeting someone and not be so active because I didn’t want to feel used like that again.

Rochelle | 26 |London

I was in a relationship for about a year and a half (on and off) and found out during the last 6 months of the relationship that he had cheated. We talked about it and I decided I could deal with it and we could move forward. However, I eventually found out he was talking to another girl and decided to no longer continue that relationship. 

 What did you decide? I decided that I wasn’t pretty enough or I was missing something because why else would someone cheat, right? I also think I decided that this was something that men would always do and it left me with a lot of trust issues. I decided to keep my guard up more next time and not be so vulnerable and open with someone as I once was.

So…what can we take away from these stories? It’s safe to say an experience of rejection has happened to most of us, in some form or another. The decisions we make after that experience can stay with us for years, sometimes without us even realising it. But, what does this mean? It means we might enter a new relationship with thoughts we decided from our past still lingering. The presumptions that ‘he’s too busy, therefore, he doesn’t care’ or ‘she’s not replying to me fast enough so she isn’t that interested’ are created before we’ve even given someone a chance!

Without belittling our experiences, why not change the way we view them? See them as learning curves, as experiences that have shaped the way we are in the world but that do not define us. We cannot change the actions of others, but we can change how we let it affect us. Do we really want to be letting one bad experience in a relationship affect how we view the next?

 

Look out for our next blog post, we’ll be discussing ‘Men & Vulnerability’…

 

*Names have been changed due to confidentiality.

5 Reasons Why You Should Start Using a Matchmaker

We live in the digital age. With the advancements of technology being where they are today, people have never been more reachable than they are now. Through email, texts, voice calls, Facetime, and the countless other platforms so readily accessible to us all, one would naturally assume that the world of dating would become transformed to be much easier and less nerve racking than what it’s conventionally known to be.

So in this age of ‘connections,’ the question remains… ‘why are you still single?’

While more and more online dating apps are making their way into the mainstream, the reality of the situation remains that a vast quantity of people are still finding themselves lost when it comes to dating.

Rather than making dating ‘easier,’ the digital revolution has instead in part redefined the entire dating playbook. The result? Say hello to the ‘hook-up’ culture, where it’s all about what you can get and how fast you can get it. Lust has replaced love and while this arrangement may work perfectly well for many, those who are looking to be a part of a serious and meaningful relationship are finding such platforms to be saturated with false promises and hopes.

Recent stats show that one-third of people that have used online dating apps have never actually been on a date with those they connected with. This, along with the increase of online scamming, lack of authenticity, combined with the rising concerns of safety, have contributed to the downfall of online dating as we see it today.

With half the UK population being single, combined with the declining approval ratings for online dating apps, more and more people are turning to rely on traditional matchmaking to find love.

So what are the perks of using a matchmaker? Here are 5 reasons why it’s a better choice than online dating sites and apps.

1.  Personalised service

We all have our own individual tastes. Some are picky about height, and others have a fancy for green hair. Whatever it is that makes your heart skip a beat, your personalised matchmaker will set out to find you exactly what you’re looking for.

2.  No computers, just real people.


Unlike many online dating sites and apps, matchmakers tend to rely on a more traditional approach when it comes to setting people up. Instead of relying on algorithms which have you filter choices through left or right swipes, a matchmaker will filter candidates based on you own instructions and guidance.

3.  Peace of mind

No more second guessing whether your match is a weirdo has something that they’re hiding from their past, or if they look the same in person as they do in their photos. Using a matchmaker means all candidates have been pre-screened. This ensures that you meet like-minded individuals without any unnecessary doubt.

4.  Safety

According to a recent article published by the Independent, 10% of sex offenders use online dating sites, 3% are psychopaths, and another 10% are scammers. These, of course, are sobering statistics, and perhaps facts that most people are oblivious too. Using a matchmaker ensures that candidates have been vetted and gone through a background check.

5.  Coaching


Sometimes, whether it is by the grace of the cosmos or by sheer luck, you find yourself in the company of someone that makes you feel like you hit the jackpot. More often than not, however, something goes wrong. Maybe it was them. Maybe it was you? With a matchmaker, your relationship doesn’t stop with you getting set up with dates. A key element of a matchmaker is their commitment to providing coaching and support so that you can put your best foot forward and take on the dating scene with full confidence.

While we can be thankful for a great many things that the internet age has given us, what we fail to realise is that you cannot conflate the virtual world with reality. Yes, it can STILL be hard to find someone decent, but it’s not impossible. Instead of shooting in the dark hoping and wishing to catch something good, it’s better to focus efforts towards a trusted source and know that no matter what, you’re bound to be on target. So for all those wondering what’s going to be the next biggest trend in dating, it’s time to get back to basics and say hello to the world of matchmaking.